What Stops a Teen from Gaining Meaning in Their Life?

Viktor Frankl (the renown psychotherapist who developed his theory for therapy in a Nazi concentration camp) said there were 3 main barriers to finding meaning in our lives.  The first was affluence (being rich).  The second was hedonism (seeking for and caring only for pleasure –almost the exact opposite of what Frued thought would help people).  And, finally, the third barrier to people finding meaning in their life is materialism. 

Really, all three of these are centered on the idea that when we have too much, we have a hard time focusing on what's really important.  Thus, having to struggle can give our teens some much needed direction.  I can certainly see how having too much would stop someone from searching further for deeper meaning from life, even though the diversion itself is quite nice. 

Why Do People Go to Therapy for Years and Years?

Many people believe a therapist is there to give advice.  However, a therapist is much more like a coach or a teacher than he is an advice giver.  An advice giver helps you learn skills rather than use skills.  A therapists job is to first advise, but also to help you begin using and honing your skills.  Remember, learning coping skills is different than being able to use coping skills in the heat of a stressful moment.  Coping skills are just like any other skill like learning to read or play basketball.  They often take months or years of practice to perfect.  This is why people return to therapy again and again week after week. 

The therapist is there to help you practice coping skills and fine tune your coping skills similar to the way a music teacher would help you fine tune your guitar skills in guitar lessons week after week.  I may be able to tell you to speak respectfully to your mom.  But when mom is really pressing your buttons, it is hard to just be respectful.  That is because you haven't practiced it enough.  A good therapist is there to help you do just that, again and again until you get good at it on your own.  Sometimes this takes a while.    

What to do when your teen doesn't want to give up substance use "forever"

     One of the struggles in helping teens make a change in their life is that parents and teens often find themselves on opposite sides of the fence.  One of the areas where this difference in positions arises is when it comes to substance use.  Usually, the parent wants their child to make a plan for how the teen will handle substance use in the future.  So far, the teen is completely on board.  If the teen has turned a corner in recovery and is ready to again be sober, the teen will usually be more than willing to come up with a game plan so as not to get involved with substance use again.  However, the discrepancy in opinion comes in the actual game plan itself.  After treatment (usually involving lots of heartache, money, and time), parents are hoping their child will make plans to never ever be involved with substances or anything even remotely like it ever ever ever again.  It is as if the parent has had someone have an affair on them, and the hurt is so bad, they do not ever want to face it again.  The teen, on the other hand, is looking into the crystal ball of the future and is thinking they would not like to completely close the door on a "normal" life.  To the teen, a “normal life” includes the option to partake in substances on a casual level.  This is especially the case when it comes to legal and culturally accepted substance use.  

      Depending on the culture, "culturally substance use" usually includes alcohol and cigarette consumption.  Unfortunately, acceptable substance use is also increasingly meaning marijuana use.  So what is a parent to do?  The answer is somewhat simple.  You have time!  Thankfully, your child is committing to a substance free life for now.  You will have plenty of opportunities to discuss later substance use when “later” comes along.  Until then, for heaven’s sake, don’t focus on negative possibilities when you can strengthen your relationship with your teen by reinforcing the positive decisions involved in the hard work of being sober right here and now.  

Two More Graceful Ways to Leave a Fight with a Teen

     The next part of the "leaving gracefully" statement was, "I am finding myself getting way to angry to talk about this rationally."  This part of the statement is very important for a couple of reasons.  First, the parent is identifying their emotions to the teen.  This is setting a very powerful example that it is ok to talk about emotions openly in this family.  Teens need to know that parents will be able to hear and hold the teen's emotions, or else they will not express them to the parents.  If a teen does not see mom or dad express emotions, they will learn that it must not be ok to express emotions to mom and dad.  If they think they can not express emotions to mom and dad, they learn that they can not talk to mom and dad about anything of worth.  Just keep topics safe and surface level!
     The second reason this statement is important is that it acknowledges that when we are angry we are irrational.  This is a great reminder to ourselves and the teen that talking when we are angry never works.  How could it work?  If you are not rational, your conversations will not even make sense, let alone solve a problem. You definitely want your teen to learn as soon as possible that saying things in anger usually ends badly.  There is no better way to get them that message than by you talking about it and owning it in yourself often.  

Why Stating, “I Know This Is Important,” Is Important

Why Stating, “I Know This Is Important,” Is Important

     Today, I was going to begin discussing why, when removing yourself from a fight with a teen, each part of the following statement is important:   “Johnny, I know this is an important topic.  But, right now, I am feeling myself getting way too angry to talk about it rationally.  So, I am going to put myself in time-out.  Let’s talk about this again tonight at dinner, after I have had a chance to calm down and treat you with respect.”

            The very first part of this statement says, “Johnny, I know this is important.”  This is a key concept. We, as parents, often forget that the topic at hand is actually important.  It may not seem important at all when you have an adult brain.  But, you must remember you teen does not.  I always use the example of my 9 year old daughter and the water bottle.

 

            One morning, my 9 year old came downstairs and asked if I knew where her water bottle for school was.  I admitted I had not seen it.  Now, from an outsider’s perspective you would have sworn that I had just told her that her sister had died.  First, her anxiety went through the roof.  Next, the tears came.  Before long she had worked herself up into a complete three act drama.

     My initial instincts were to completely dismiss her concerns because after all, it was just a water bottle.  We can get another one!  The reason I could so easily dismiss her is that in the adult world, a water bottle is just a water bottle.  But, in a child or a teen’s world a water bottle is their whole world. 

     You see, teens generally suffer from a condition I like to call "hyper focus."  Hyper focus is idea that to a teen, this thing right in front of me right now is incredibly important.  In fact, it is so important, that it trumps every thing of concern in the next several years of life.  Yes, the water bottle becomes that important to the teen brain.  

     In general, it is completely unusual for a teen to be able to “see past Friday night,” as the country song puts it.  Thus, letting them know that you understand “this is important,” goes a long way toward them feeling heard and strengthening that relationship. 

     Again, in the end, the most important thing (after their physical safety) is the preservation of the relationship.  Because, if you have no relationship, you have no influence.

Therapy for Teens says a Time Out is Great for Parents

     I know.  If I were you, I would be skeptical now too.  You’re asking yourself, can there really be a surefire way to stop a fight with a teen?  I swear to you, there is.  However, you will feel cheated when I tell you the answer … leave!  Get out of there.  Go put yourself in timeout.  When the argument is getting ugly enough, you need a timeout.  Heck, you deserve a timeout. 

     One of the biggest mistakes parents can make with teens is to try to solve the problem right now.  I mean now!  I am telling you, the results will be a thousand times better, if you can just take a break and let the emotions die down a little.  As human beings, when we get emotional, we also often get very irrational.  It is at these times that we become very invested in our position, and feel we must prove it to our opponent.  And, when I say, “opponent,” I mean “opponent.”  This is because an opponent is exactly what the other person has just become to us.  When you begin talking to an opponent, the battle is already lost because you have just begun damaging the relationship.

     Instead, just go take a breather.  If you are doing it right, you might even get out of the house.  Go for a walk, or take a drive, or even zip out shopping spree!  Just get away and don’t get caught up in a back and forth argument where no one is listening anymore. 

     On a side note, it is always good if you can leave for your timeout gracefully.  This can be done by simply saying, “Johnny, I know this is an important topic.  But, right now, I am feeling myself getting way too angry to talk about it rationally.  So, I am going to put myself in time-out.  Let’s talk about this again tonight at dinner, after I have had a chance to calm down and treat you with respect.” 

     Check back later to find out why each part of this gracefully leaving statement is important to get right.  

So what happens in the future to teens with ODD?

One study showed that about 52% of teens with oppositional defiant disorder still have it 3 years later. This same study showed that about 25% of teens with ODD end up having Conduct disorder in adulthood.