Two More Graceful Ways to Leave a Fight with a Teen

     The next part of the "leaving gracefully" statement was, "I am finding myself getting way to angry to talk about this rationally."  This part of the statement is very important for a couple of reasons.  First, the parent is identifying their emotions to the teen.  This is setting a very powerful example that it is ok to talk about emotions openly in this family.  Teens need to know that parents will be able to hear and hold the teen's emotions, or else they will not express them to the parents.  If a teen does not see mom or dad express emotions, they will learn that it must not be ok to express emotions to mom and dad.  If they think they can not express emotions to mom and dad, they learn that they can not talk to mom and dad about anything of worth.  Just keep topics safe and surface level!
     The second reason this statement is important is that it acknowledges that when we are angry we are irrational.  This is a great reminder to ourselves and the teen that talking when we are angry never works.  How could it work?  If you are not rational, your conversations will not even make sense, let alone solve a problem. You definitely want your teen to learn as soon as possible that saying things in anger usually ends badly.  There is no better way to get them that message than by you talking about it and owning it in yourself often.  

Why Stating, “I Know This Is Important,” Is Important

Why Stating, “I Know This Is Important,” Is Important

     Today, I was going to begin discussing why, when removing yourself from a fight with a teen, each part of the following statement is important:   “Johnny, I know this is an important topic.  But, right now, I am feeling myself getting way too angry to talk about it rationally.  So, I am going to put myself in time-out.  Let’s talk about this again tonight at dinner, after I have had a chance to calm down and treat you with respect.”

            The very first part of this statement says, “Johnny, I know this is important.”  This is a key concept. We, as parents, often forget that the topic at hand is actually important.  It may not seem important at all when you have an adult brain.  But, you must remember you teen does not.  I always use the example of my 9 year old daughter and the water bottle.

 

            One morning, my 9 year old came downstairs and asked if I knew where her water bottle for school was.  I admitted I had not seen it.  Now, from an outsider’s perspective you would have sworn that I had just told her that her sister had died.  First, her anxiety went through the roof.  Next, the tears came.  Before long she had worked herself up into a complete three act drama.

     My initial instincts were to completely dismiss her concerns because after all, it was just a water bottle.  We can get another one!  The reason I could so easily dismiss her is that in the adult world, a water bottle is just a water bottle.  But, in a child or a teen’s world a water bottle is their whole world. 

     You see, teens generally suffer from a condition I like to call "hyper focus."  Hyper focus is idea that to a teen, this thing right in front of me right now is incredibly important.  In fact, it is so important, that it trumps every thing of concern in the next several years of life.  Yes, the water bottle becomes that important to the teen brain.  

     In general, it is completely unusual for a teen to be able to “see past Friday night,” as the country song puts it.  Thus, letting them know that you understand “this is important,” goes a long way toward them feeling heard and strengthening that relationship. 

     Again, in the end, the most important thing (after their physical safety) is the preservation of the relationship.  Because, if you have no relationship, you have no influence.