Why Stating, “I Know This Is Important,” Is Important

Why Stating, “I Know This Is Important,” Is Important

     Today, I was going to begin discussing why, when removing yourself from a fight with a teen, each part of the following statement is important:   “Johnny, I know this is an important topic.  But, right now, I am feeling myself getting way too angry to talk about it rationally.  So, I am going to put myself in time-out.  Let’s talk about this again tonight at dinner, after I have had a chance to calm down and treat you with respect.”

            The very first part of this statement says, “Johnny, I know this is important.”  This is a key concept. We, as parents, often forget that the topic at hand is actually important.  It may not seem important at all when you have an adult brain.  But, you must remember you teen does not.  I always use the example of my 9 year old daughter and the water bottle.

 

            One morning, my 9 year old came downstairs and asked if I knew where her water bottle for school was.  I admitted I had not seen it.  Now, from an outsider’s perspective you would have sworn that I had just told her that her sister had died.  First, her anxiety went through the roof.  Next, the tears came.  Before long she had worked herself up into a complete three act drama.

     My initial instincts were to completely dismiss her concerns because after all, it was just a water bottle.  We can get another one!  The reason I could so easily dismiss her is that in the adult world, a water bottle is just a water bottle.  But, in a child or a teen’s world a water bottle is their whole world. 

     You see, teens generally suffer from a condition I like to call "hyper focus."  Hyper focus is idea that to a teen, this thing right in front of me right now is incredibly important.  In fact, it is so important, that it trumps every thing of concern in the next several years of life.  Yes, the water bottle becomes that important to the teen brain.  

     In general, it is completely unusual for a teen to be able to “see past Friday night,” as the country song puts it.  Thus, letting them know that you understand “this is important,” goes a long way toward them feeling heard and strengthening that relationship. 

     Again, in the end, the most important thing (after their physical safety) is the preservation of the relationship.  Because, if you have no relationship, you have no influence.